DOES TAKING TIME-OUTS IN A RELATIONSHIP MAKE YOU A BAD FRIEND?
The inspiration for writing this piece came from a question a reader sent me in the mail based on my earlier post, “7 ways to know a true friend”. The question is this:
“From the 7 ways you mentioned I can very much say that I’m a good friend, but I feel like when a problem arises in the relationship I handle it in a certain way, which makes me question if I’m really a good friend. For instance, I always withdraw from my friends anytime they offend me. I will just give you the silent treatment and probably ignore your calls and avoid you for days, I’d rather not talk to you than confront you until I get over it, then I go back like nothing happened. Is this a good thing in a relationship?” – Ugochukwu O.
I will address this in the context of friendship but I might very well be talking of colleagues, parents, siblings, romantic partners and spouses. Whatever the nature of the relationship, one or both parties may sometimes act in the way Ugochukwu described.
I know two Christian friends, male and female. They tend to argue and raise their voices at each other. When it seems to be getting out of hand, the brother leaves. In his absence the sister fumes for a while. The brother too boils but lets his anger go quickly. When they meet again, they try to prevent any lingering feelings from their previous exchange to dictate their interaction knowing that regardless of their limitations and disagreements, they cherish their friendship.
It’s natural for us to all wish for only good times between us and our friends and by us, I’m referring to Christians. But the Bible says that offences must come (Matthew 18:7, Luke 17:1). That means that people will surely annoy us at some point. Though misunderstandings are inevitable, it is up to us to decide how to handle them. If the friend concerned means a lot to us, we would be willing to go a long way to heal the rift. If we don’t really care for them, we might allow the relationship to deteriorate and subsequently die or we might end it right away.
Taking time-outs is a common strategy many use right after the heat of their quarrels with friends. As Ugochukwu explained, it may consist of physically steering clear of the friend and/or temporarily suspending communication with them. If we must be in the same environment, we avoid that person as best as we can for a while. I would not like to use the term “silent treatment” because it carries a highly negative connotation and falls in the realm of emotional abuse and control. Here I am talking of someone who wants peace of mind and cordiality and opts out of interaction momentarily when discord arises so the dust can settle.
As good as our intentions may be, doing this without notice would appear rude and inconsiderate, especially when the friend is trying to contact and engage with us. Their pride and self esteem could take some knocks from our behaviour. In response, they could get mad and escalate the quarrel. On the one hand, they may feel they deserve better; on the other, their feelings of unworthiness may be reinforced leading to an attempt to end the relationship before further hurt is inflicted.
They could also be concerned about us, worrying about our wellbeing while we remain unreachable.
To be clear, taking time-outs is not generally a bad idea. It’s actually recommended. When a quarrel creates bad blood between us and our friends, we may need some space to work through our emotions. Forcing communication immediately may lead to the speaking of more harsh words which wouldn’t be the case if both parties had taken some time to cool off.
What matters is that we are taking the breather for the right reason (to sort ourselves out, not to hurt our friend) and that we don’t drag the time-out too long. If we’ve known the friend involved for long, they will probably give us the space we need without stress. As to the time, a few hours should suffice as the Bible admonishes that we don’t go to bed angry (Ephesians 4:26). What if the matter came up at night? Then I think we have less time to fix it. Bringing our feelings before the Lord is very helpful in healing our wounds and regaining our emotional balance.
The foregoing may sound simplistic because there are times when there is a lot of baggage to deal with in a relationship. In such cases, we would naturally need more time to process our thoughts and make decisions. It wouldn’t be right to just disappear, rather we let our friends know we will be apart for a while. But allowing such a separation to linger may be counterproductive.
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(Related: “Please, Mama, Wait for Me!”)
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I recall the story of the rift between David and his son, Absalom, after the latter killed his half-brother, Amnon, in 2 Samuel, chapter 14. He fled to his mother’s country after the incident, but when Joab, David’s army commander, noticed that he was yearning for the young man, he arranged to bring him back to Jerusalem with David’s permission. Two years later, David still refused to see Absalom. Then this happened: Absalom sent for Joab to take him to David but Joab ignored him. In response, Absalom instructed his servants to burn Joab’s field adjoining his. When they did, Joab came to ask why and Absalom insisted he should be taken to David.
“And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king’s face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me.” – 2 Samuel 14:32
Joab did take Absalom to see David. Father and son reconciled but I feel Joab had it in for Absalom henceforth with the result that when he rebelled against David, Joab didn’t hesitate to kill him once he had the chance, David’s earlier impassioned plea to his commanders to spare the young man’s life notwithstanding (2 Samuel 18:5-17, 28-33). David suffered a heartbreak from that tragedy that I doubt he ever recovered from. So no matter how grievous the offence, if we wish to continue with the relationship, we need to get together and resolve our differences as soon as possible.
Whether we bring up the matter that led to the quarrel when we get back together with our friend should depend on what actually happened and how serious the matter is. If it was just a silly misunderstanding, we can forget it. We may have got angry because we were tired, stressed from work or whatever. No need stirring those waters again. It’s wearisome discussing every little issue that arises in a relationship. The love we have for one another and God’s grace in our lives should take care of most, if not all of them.
‘Hatred stirreth up strifes: but love covereth all sins.” – Proverbs 10:12
However, if we took offence at some hurtful things our friend said, it may be necessary to request that they not speak like that again. If they didn’t realse they hurt us, it would be better they know so they can be more thoughtful in future. If our friends are demanding we do something we abhor, we need to insist that they desist from pressurising us on the matter. By and large, it is better to discuss serious sources of conflict than sweep them under the carpet.
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(Related: A Testimony of Grace)
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And apologies may need to be tendered. If our friends find it hard to do this, we should be more forthcoming in taking responsibility here as our faith requires. Romans 12:18 teaches that as far as it is possible and depends on us, we should live peacefully with everyone. We should also note that many people, particularly men, would act in a way that shows they are remorseful even when they don’t come out and say, “I am sorry.”
So does taking time-outs in our relationships make us bad friends? I would say it depends on why and how we do so. When the motives are right and the time spans are short, they could reinvigorate our relationships. Otherwise, they may slowly destroy those relationships. I believe that as we relate with someone, we get to know them better and there is increased understanding of each other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. This will help us to adjust how we speak and behave towards them and reduce the need for taking time-outs after falling out. (Even then, we may still want occasional time-outs for self care and spiritual refreshing. But that is not the sort we are focusing on in this piece.)
Above all, we should not relate with people carelessly. We should entrust our relationships to the Lord so that we can be a blessing to others and they can be the same to us. And when any relationship has run its course, we should be sensitive enough to drift away as the Lord leads us.
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The scriptures used in this post are from the King James Version of the Holy Bible.
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I advise that you do whatever can give you relief from the anger because what sails another’s ship may sink yours… But also learn how to control egos in matters like this.
True, pride is not compatible with Christianity. You are lifted in Jesus’ name.
Well..i know anger could destroy a lot of things. when we are angry we tend to do or say some things which we regret later on. i feel if we have a fight with someone, we should try to watch what we say. we should not let anger get the best part of us. and yes i think taking timeout is OK..it works for me i jxt avoid the person for some time. definitely something would lighten up my mood later on. and when i see that person maybe days later, i would have forgotten about the whole episode. we should also not try to force communication during the minutes of quarrel because i think by so doing, each party would likely say something they don’t mean ..?
Thanks a lot, Winifred. God bless you very much in Jesus’ name.
I think is very crucial to control our anger or better still stay calm and avoid using more words when we are angry and when the individual is in a better mood, both parties can settle the problem amicably. Then the relationship would grow in a healthy atmosphere. And on the aspect of accepting our mistakes, that cannot be overemphasized going with the fact that it seals the crack which could wreck the relationship.
Nice thoughts. May God surround you with good friends in Jesus’ name.
AGREED! and thank you for the wonderful Bible references. Love you Edith! You are blessed indeed.
Glad to hear from you, Tammy! Special blessings on you and your famy in Jesus’ name.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Rather, it strengthens the relationship.
Hi Frances! It’s well with you.
Taking time-outs in a relationship is not a bad idea, it is infact necessary in some cases. For instance, in a situation where two friends engaged in a verbal fight, which resulted to a lot of unturned events which occurred in the past. Definitely pride will come in and there will be a silence barrier because each Party will be expecting an apology from the other and the question will be “who will go first?” One thing we should know is that it is not because u are wrong that you should apologize but because it’s the right thing to do and misunderstanding is inevitable in every relationship. Now in such cases, u need a “time-out.”Remembering all that you have invested in the relationship.
It’s not easy to apologise when you’re certain you’re right. And you don’t want the other party to feel you will always be the one apologising lest they think you’re needy. But if we are Christians, we should put aside such considerations for the sake of peace. May God give you the best friends, Daniel, in Jesus’ name.
Sometimes the whole friendship thing gets so tiring you just wanna quit and be alone. People are fickle. I feel we should be willing and ready to let people go, and not hold on to any one for so long. If the friendship is really valued, there’s no need for time outs. Everything is talked and trashed out to avoid repetition of the action or actions that caused the misunderstanding in the first place. If you don’t speak up, it’ll always be a burden in your heart. Communication is key in every relationship. If u can’t confront your friend, are you guys really friends? It means the person isn’t even worth your time and expression.
Hi Precious! I agree that some relationships are not worth our time but it’s rare to see people who will speak reasonably and not hurt one another when angry. Hope you had a great holiday, which by the way continues. God’s favour meanwhile. <3
Taking time-outs can damage a relationship especially when the person doesn’t understand what you doing and why you are doing it. For me, I’ll prefer to tell that friend what ho or she did to me and we’ll reconcile immediately rather than taking time-outs.
I really don’t know how to distance myself from friends, I prefer we smoothen things out regardless of what caused the strife.
As long as the friction does not make matters worse. You’re blessed, my dear!
Taking out time in a relationship is considered right or wrong depending on the reason for taking out time. If your reason for taking out time is right then You Should not allow it to take too long before you get together again, and you must inform your partner on your decision to avoid misunderstanding. It is equally assumed that you’ve settled everything which made you take some time out therefore, you are not meant to discuss the issue again.
Ummm, I’m not sure there’ll be need for a time-out if everything has been settled. Bless you!
Someone like me do this often due to my kind of friends… Whenever I talk to them concerning their acts towards me, I get bad words. So what I do, is to take some time out but not too long. Thank you Anty Edith for this wonderful writeup…
Mummy, I don’t know how to express my gratitude for your unceasing posts of encouragement. The precepts in this post have been my guide always in relating with my brother. Has the reverse been the case, who knows what might have happened. So, once more I say: “Mumi m, daluooo!”
Daalu kwa, Chizoba!
For me I avoid talking back when am angry because I might start crying and be forced to make a decision I will end up regretting…..so I think giving the relationship a break for a short period is cool,it works for me.
I don’t think it’s a good thing to do, I believe in a relationship what makes it to grow stronger is the ability to settle any misunderstanding that comes immediately not taking a time out cos when u finally get bck wit the person, it won’t b like before.
It’s true that some awkwardness may develop between friends after a time-out but considering the viciousness of some friends’ attacks on each other when they quarrel, trying to force interaction at such heated moments may be unadvisable. Cheers!
Timing out seems to be the best option one can take due to the kind of facial expression they get from the person they are angry with.I’ve been in this situation countless times and sometimes I just keep quiet and cry out my anger just to avoid any regrets in the future. Like a saying,”words said while angry can be forgiven but not forgotten”
Taking time outs in a relationship isn’t so bad but if that time out last for an unexpected amount of time, the other person might feel offended. Trying to interact after the heat of an argument is toxic to relationship, but after a while, when the other party is calmer, you can talk.
Yeah I know this helps a lot but I think mine might be permanent because the guy I was friends with never acted like he was sorry he just acknowledged he hurt me when he put his girlfriend first all the time he didn’t really change his behavior which is what would need to happen if I ever were to be his friend again he would have to stop the bad friend behavior first so it does give me hope that one day we might be friends again but I would have to see some positive changes because really there’s no need to be friends with someone you only see now and then he claimed to have been a close friend but never much acted like it he’s dating a girl that’s not Catholic by the way and he left the Catholic Church so that is probably the reason why he’s not a good friend anymore he doesn’t seem angry just tired or sad
I would say, taking a break in a relationship or not talking back when you guys are in a quarrel is a very good thing. I myself love to give my friends break, because I feel they need that space and got their lives to live.
Such an educative piece. . I think everyone need to read this as it captures human relationship with one another on a daily basis. It is good that we know how to associate with one another at all times.
One lesson I learnt from this is that taking time outs does not make us bad and that we should always try as much as possible to make amends and return to good terms with our friends, as allowing it to linger for so long is not good.
Taking your time out in a relationship is good but when it exceed an amount of time, one party, mostly the offended may bear grudges.
Sometimes in our anger we say things we shouldn’t to people we love. It is advisable to just leave and take some time out to yourself whenever you have a problem with a friend. If you decide to still stay, you might end up making matters worst for yourself and your friend.
This is Wisdom. Time outs can be considered by some persons as malice. When a misunderstanding occurs, sorry does not just wipe out the fact that something happened. That period of doing of away with the rift caused by the misunderstanding is time out. Make sure your reasons for giving yourselves space is we’ll understood.
A very inspiring write up aunty. I take time outs in my relationship with friends all the time but never for too long because I don’t want to hurt them and the good thing is that when they do try to reach out to me, I give them a listening ear and we eventually reconcile. In fact, I think that may be the most suitable option you know. Let everyone be on their own and set their priorities straight. Maybe then, we may see reasons why our friendship should continue. It actually makes bonds stronger. Thanks for this post aunty. Nice graphics by the way, really goes well with the story
Thank you for pointing this issue out. I think taking time-outs isn’t a bad thing so long as we want to sort out our feelings out and not hurt the other person. May we be guided as we deal with issues that come up in our relationships. Also, it’s best to inform the other party if we want to end a relationship than to remain sulky.
Yes ma, as long as it doesn’t exceed a period of time,timeouts help to a great extent in making the relationship or friendship stronger.
I believe there comes a stage in one’s life that we need space from friends because I actually was on that state earlier this year so I get it. Aside the misunderstanding part I feel friends need this space to miss each other which would actually make your friendship stronger because some friends can be very frustrating take it or leave it. Wonderful write up ma!!
Nice one ma, I have really learnt a lot from this piece,I believe friendship is wonderful, having the right people in our lives is amazing, problems will surely arise but how we handle them is what matters, whatever happens let’s value our friendships and not allow taking time out ruin the friendship..moderation is best.
Taking time – outs is not a bad idea. It is also important to let out our feelings after the quarrel. Communication is very important in our relationships. So taking time – outs for so long is discouraged.
Time out serve as refreshing time. Just as they have in basketball game. So in relationships/friendships, time-out shouldn’t be mistaken to be total withdrawal. It should be understood to help increase bond. Sometimes people need their space, so respect them for it.
Taking time does not necessarily mean you are keeping malice or don’t want to talk to that person but that to give a break .I do that sometimes butvat first I feel it is stupid or might lead to breakup with my friends but I found out it a best way to make it last long and enduring.
A pastor once said “offence is a thing, you can decide to pick it up or not”. This statement changed my life forever, I got to understand that even anger, is a choice…we can choose to raise hell up or to ignore things.
Not withstanding, we should take time to talk things through when we have an argument, and when necessary, for the right reasons give space to our friendship.
Taking time out in a relationship is not total withdrawal, it’s a means for us to pause and get back again.
Sometimes it is necessary to take your time out and work on yourself instead of struggling to make things work out without working on your self first.
Taking time out in a relationship is very good because it helps you not to say harsh words that may hurt your friend. But you can pray and ask God to heal your broken heart.
Conflict is innate in most relationships and this brought about the whole issue of taking a time out. It is meant to calm ones anger and reassures her of the need to go back in unity ones more, as aunty rightly pointed out.
Talking your time out of a relationship in some cases the best but, I prefer arresting the situation immediately or avoid the crisis as it is coming. This over the years had been of great help to my relationship with people. I don’t waste time to say sorry, it help prevent further misunderstanding because, not everyone understands that you are trying to get over it. Some may term it ego, I pray that God will open our heart to know the best way to handle friendship.
Taking Time-outs in a relationship, when wrongly done can backfire. For instance, when one partner is still complaining or speaking to the other and the partner excuses himself or herself. Ultimately, the partner who was speaking will feel insulted and can blow the situation. Secondly, if one partner refuses to pick up calls from the other partner, it can end the relationship. Generally, Taking Time-outs in a relationship is not a bad thing, but the manner in which it is done may cause problem. Understanding each other will be essential in this case.
I think taking time out in relationships is needed even when there is no quarrel. I believe once in a while we need our own personal space and when you hang around too often, you may start feeling crowded or even make your friend feel so which may even lead to a quarrel. So I think before it gets to that, we should have our own self time to avoid problems.
No, it’s not bad as long as there’s understanding. If your friend understands that in you taking time-outs you are doing it on a plain ground and it’s actually for the better, then go on.
But if your friend would misunderstand it and I would make matters worse then straighten things up right away.
Responding to Ugochukwu’s question:
There are different temparaments applicable to several personalities; whereas some people fight before they calm down, some others settle it on the spot and act like nothing happened, while some others just walk away from the scene before it aggravates. Ugoo don’t feel a way it’s who you are, after all the end is good.
In other words, as regards the question of taking a break, it doesn’t make you a bad friend, it’s just your way of restoration of respect and reinstalling relevance in the relationship.
It does at times in some contest especially in Nigeria one, your friends begins to see you as pompous or feeling too big them, especially if you decided to take the time of when ur very financially balanced more than them. So they tend to tag you as feeling big. But not knowing you needed some time off.
Practically speaking, all can not be smooth and sailling in relationships you matter how much effort we put in to always make it thrive, it’s during this bad times we need to take and have what I call a rethought or retreat of our relationship, which is very important or necessary, to decide to go on or not to.
Most times when you tell your friends the wrong they did, they get angry and make you angry as well. Forgetting about it and letting go might be wrong as they will commit same thing again. What can one do in such situations ma?
Point it out over and over agsin but not in a belligerent manner. If they value your friendship, they will desist from doing it. Bless you!
Taking time out in a relationship is good and healthy because this is something I practice, when I’m angry I know I will regret whatever I say so I try to have my own personal space so that no one will be hurt although your friend has to know the reason why you decided to do so.
Healthy breaks are really needed in relationships, not that your friend’s presence is getting irritating but, rediscovering ones self every now and then is quite important. Make them understand in communicating it in the right way.
No. I don’t think it’s a bad idea. Once inner peace is paramount to whatever relationship that maybe. This doesn’t mean you’ll be uncivil or unfriendly towards the person. Just take time to reorient yourself and assertain if you still want to be remain friends with the person. Fact is everyone mustn’t necessarily be your close buddy.
Wow, I am really bless by this piece, because sometimes I argued with myself of what to do when friend(s) hurt me. I remember recently I just stop caring for friends, because I think they are not caring about me. I have been the only one calling them asking them how they fairing, but they never does the same. I became hurt and stop calling them though without their knowledge, and since then I have not be this fully happy, because they mean a lot to me. And I don’t even know how to go back to them. But with this piece, I think it has clear my pains, I will call them back and complain to them what has been my reason of staying away, and the possible way to solve the issue.
Thanks mma I am grateful.
Nice! I myself do take time-out in my dealings with friends each time I get hurt, like Ugochukwu I actually thought it was/is wrong inasmuch as it solves the problem. That thought has changed since what makes it right or wrong is the intention.
Taking a break in a relationship works but for everybody I think no, let’s be mindful of our reactions and actions when we are annoyed because they will definitely torment us.
Some of us do take time out of our relationships either to heal our hurt or to reevaluate the relationship. Which ever reason we do it for, it doesn’t portray us as bad or inconsiderate people it only helps us to either strengthen our relationship or work out from a toxic relationship.
This taking time-outs has been what has been guiding me through all my relationship with friends,parents and other type it’s funny I find myself crying sometimes during time-outs because that’s the way to die down the anger for me.but truth be told if you love your relationship ( people involved in it) you wouldn’t hesitate to get along with them again.wonderful post!!!
Taking time-out is often the strategy I use to handle anyone around me.
Some people are really annoying that no matter how much you try for the relationship you have with them to be smooth, the more they keep getting on your nerves.
I just prefer to be in negative peace with them.
God please help me cos I know that it not good.
Hmmm… I am most grateful for this post because I also have a friend that offended me and we both have been giving each other this cold silent treatment and I feel like the friendship is sinking gradually because this has been up for so long now…I know it is not right to go to bed having someone in mind but pride has been a major problem here I just can’t bring myself to say sorry because there are some things I feel she has to know before we can flow again but then she is not even making attempts and keeps doing worse the supposed time outs is now an understatement but hopefully with what I have seen here tonight I will try and make up with her. Live long ma’am
People take time out for numerous reasons and in different ways. One may feel unappreciated and burnt out hence the withdrawal. The statement ” allow the oil you pour on others to be poured on you” may be a means of justifying withdrawal.
There is a thin line between time outs and falling out completely. In any relationship communication and mutual understanding could help to tackle things easily instead of getting a time out. However, whatever the cause I strongly advise that we don’t make time out a habit or make it too long as it could damage such relationship
In my opinion, i ‘d say No, it is not bad to take a time-out in relationships. But it becomes bad when it doesn’t have a limit. In relationships, time-outs are bound to happen except if the relationship isn’t a genuine one. At a time, One party in one way or the other must offend the other and vice versa. And so they will react to it either by taking some time out or another means particularly to show how they feel.
Anger takes on a lot of forms in different people. For me, I prefer staying quiet than letting it out to avoid more confrontation. However, I agree that it can be rude to stay quiet without letting your friend know how you feel so communication is key. I think it’s better to let them know that you need a time out.
The most important thing is knowing how to solve problems with our friends. We should not settle quarrels in a way it will spoil our relationship with people.
In the state of anger I’ve discovered that, one can rashly say things which they are not supposed to and this may just be like adding more fuel to the fire. For me whenever am angry I just go away, I’d rather not talk at that time.
The substance in this post has the capacity to keep families, friends, spouses in a perpetual healthy relationship if strictly adhered to. This post suffices for a great sermon .Mummy ,you’re a gift to this generation. Mummy ,you have said it all. Over stretching the time-outs when offended might boomerang, especially when done with a good intentions. And there by causing more harm than the good intended. Like mummy had rightly pointed out, it’s advisable to notify your friend that you needed some time to put yourself together,lest your friend mistake your action for pride. Which can therefore, eventually lead to the deterioration of the relationship.
However, instead of allowing the period of avoidance to linger longer than expected, i suggest ,you meet your friend and point out to him his offenses and ask him not repeat such again. And equally ask for forgiveness in case you have in one way or the other grieved him. This should be done few hours after the quarrel,when the both party’s anger must ‘ve been abated .l supposed this method will help in restoring the relationship faster and make it stouter.
Mummy, i want to use avenue to express my unalloyed gratitude to you for devoting your time to carry on this great undertaken, ( i mean your entire work) to assist humanity, on crucial issues of life. May the good Lord bless you and give more wisdom and inspiration to write in Jesus name.
The substance in this post has the capacity to keep families, friends, spouses in a perpetual healthy relationship if strictly adhered to. This post suffices for a great sermon .Mummy ,you’re a gift to this generation. Mummy ,you have said it all. Over stretching the time-outs when offended might boomerang, especially when done with a good intentions. And there by causing more harm than the good intended. Like mummy had rightly pointed out, it’s advisable to notify your friend that you needed some time to put yourself together,lest your friend mistakes your action for pride. Which can therefore, eventually lead to the deterioration of the relationship.
However, instead of allowing the period of avoidance to linger longer than expected, i suggest ,you meet your friend and point out to him his offenses and ask him not repeat such again. And equally ask for forgiveness in case you have in one way or the other grieved him. This should be done few hours after the quarrel,when the both party’s anger must ‘ve been abated .l supposed this method will help in restoring the relationship faster and make it stouter.
Mummy, i want to use this avenue to express my unalloyed gratitude to you for devoting your time to carry on this great undertaken, ( i mean your entire work) to assist humanity, on crucial issues of life. May the good Lord bless you and give more wisdom and inspiration to write in Jesus name.
Taking time-outs in a relationship is not a bad idea, it is really necessary in some situations. However, as God ambassador that you are, if you are in any way involve in any quarrel or squabble with anybody, don’t be too egoistic, make a responsible move by trying to reconcile with the person, since humility is an epitome of any serious Christian.
personally, i take some time out when i feel offended or when i feel i am the only one putting an effort to sustain a relationship. i do not have any negative intentions in doing this though. it helps me cool off the anger that would have resulted to uttering abusive words or stuffs like that. after cooling off or during the cool off, the other party most times contacts me and we go on from there. so taking a break helps sometimes especially for hot tempered people.
Taking time out is not totally bad but the thing there is that it should be done and dusted at the appropriate time. Also, anger is very bad. We tend to destroy so many things out of anger; our relationship, family, friendship and other things we’ve laboured for years. God help us.
A post worthy of praise.indeed taking out time is very good in maintaining a relationship as the person would analyse the relationship and re-access what he or she is gaining from the relationship.it might be one’s way of facing reality.but we should be careful in how we choose our friend as the can paint bad images of us later.
A nice one ma,every body has a way of releases stress,anger and other issues.taking time out sometimes help them know if they truly cherish the relationship as time apart would make them make better decision and dont quarrel next time.most of all we should table all our fears and worries to christ he alone can give us directives and mind our wounds.
Friendship is something which hold and bring two personality together despite their differences.it is one union which hold commitment and future benefit.If there happen to be a spat out they should take their time diligently in sorting it out if they are matured minds and if they truly value their relationship.but looking on to God who is truly our greatest friend for counsel and guidance.
A wonderful piece.let me take an example of myself in taking time out is a way of re-evaluating and checkmating if I have done any thing wrong or if there is a way I have wrong him or her.then I come we sort it out.taking time out is not a bad thing it only affords me the chance to get stronger, closer.understanding is certainly key in friendship and sometimes taking things personal is not a good things because moment that were loved would be used against each other.
I don’t know how to express my gratitude for your unceasing posts of encouragement. The precepts in this post have been my guide always in relating with my brother. Has the reverse been the case, who knows what might have happened.
A nice piece Ma, I do withdraw from my friends anytime they offend me, but I think it doesn’t really make the situation any better. I guess I would rather pour out my heart instead of keeping mute.
A nice piece Ma, I do withdraw from my friends anytime they offend me,but I think it doesn’t really make the situation any better. I guess I would rather pour out my heart instead of keeping mute.
People tend to misunderstand what others have about them, we sometimes try to shift ourselves from our friends because of reasons best known to us, but they may see it as been a bad friend… we are to explain to them why it went that way so the understand us… understanding is the key concept here.
I think all that matters is that the intention of the “time out” is to avoid conflict and use the time to cool off.
Taking a time out is not generally a bad idea, it helps people cool off and avoid saying things that will make the matter worse than it was, there are people who are hot tempered and may with anger say things that would hot their friends the more but it should be for a short period of and what matters is that we should always come back to apologise whether we are at fault or not to keep the friendship or relationship going if we really Value the relationship
Taking time-outs when there’s a misunderstanding in a relationship helps a lot. Like I do that a lot because I feel it will help me to stay calm and avoid saying things that I would regret to the person. By avoiding the person for sometime, I feel better and sometimes forget about the situation.
To maintain friendship is never easy, you try to be selfless and caring when around them, a lot of sacrifices to make. When that moments misunderstanding comes in other to avoid so many impeding quarrel just leave that environment for the moment In other to calm down, then if taking a time out would do you a lot of good then do it.
Taking time out in relationships helps to gather ourselve together. We should also take our time to make peace with everyone, just to enjoy inner peace, it does not matter who offended who, if we so much value the friendship, we reconcile with our friends and remove pride because pride brings ultimate destruction.
A delightful piece ma, taking time out is something that can be misunderstood in different ways, but one thing Paramount is to let it all out do not bottle it in because it can lead to malice, hatred and you wanting bad things happen to the folk.try sorthing out things immediately.
Taking time out isn’t bad but, it should not be done in such a way that might ruin a relationship. If the person whom you relate with understands you and knows that you really need that space, that will be much more better to do. Communication is imperative in relationship. It’s better to open up and explain to your friend, the wrongs things he or she had done. That way, the problem or misunderstanding could be resolved by begging for forgiveness.
Nothing is really bad in taking out time in a relationship, but one tend to misunderstand the whole thing. Taking out time should be in a polite way and not such that one will keep malice with the partner, but making them to understand why they have done so.
Taking time out of any relationship or friendship is good sometimes so that we can evaluate the relationship and know if it is still what we hoped for and know when to call it quits. Sometimes, leaving a relationship is for the best interest of both parties.
Like you said ma, taking time outs in a relationship is not entirely bad depending on the person’s motive. I would use myself for instance, whenever I have a misunderstanding with a friend I don’t like talking to the person immediately but I would definitely talk to the person before the next day. It’s a principle I have learnt and it’s really working for me. The Bible says it’s okay to get angry but it shouldn’t extend to the next day
Ma, friends can be really annoying, whenever I said something his people don’t seem to understand me… Have a bossom friend who betrayed me in my secondary School days..Hmmmmmmm…. That mixture of feeling of hmmm it is painful, To me working out is not an option but to end that friendship right In here and then.. I mean it… It is better somebody else hurt or use vugal words on me than my “friend”. Perfect friend is the goal here, let’s us learn how to air our differencces maturely and friendly not like street boys or market women in thier respective endeavors.
Also, .there is a saying that over familiarity breeds contempt. Indeed, it is true to the core. For me, in a bid to avoid such, I have only ONE friend and others are pen pals…. Yes ma friends can quarrel but often times you discover that the party that is at fault here will claim he is right. WHAT A MANNER! Thereby making you fury the more…
Conclusively, It is important we understand our temperament and that of our friends because it will help in situations like this. Know what your friend hate and try not to do it. Let us try to be truthful and wish well for your friend, and quarrel less, talk less….
Believe me when I say I hate quarrel with my friend that is why when ever such happens momentarily, I loss focus instantly….. How much more having friends. My father once said to me that there are three sets of people you must never quarrel or be in enemity with.
(1) Your bossom friend
(2) Your Wife or husband
(3) That your neighbor
In curiosity, I asked why? and he said because these are people you will almost come across anywhere, everywhere you go and seeing them will take something out of you… I have experienced it and it is true no matter how unaffected we may claim we’re are it do happen.
God bless and help us all ….
Ma, friends can be really annoying and disappointing, I said sometimes but people don’t seem to understand me… Have a bossom friend who nagg a lot and at end of the day this guy betrayed my trust in him. This was during my secondary School days..
Hmmmmmmm…. To me working out is not an option but to end that friendship right there and then.. I mean it… It is better somebody else hurt or use vugal words on me than my “friend”. Perfect friend is not the goal here, but let us learn how to air our differencces maturely and friendly not like street boys or market women in thier respective endeavors.
Also, .there is a saying that over familiarity breeds contempt. Indeed, it is true to the core. For me, I have only ONE friend and others are pen pals…. Yes ma, friends can quarrel but often times you discover that the party that is at fault here will claim he is right. WHAT! Thereby making you fury the more…
Anyways, I have learnt that It is important we understand our temperament and that of our friends too because it will help in situations like this. Know what your friend hate and try not to do it. Let us try to be truthful and wish well for your friend, and quarrel less, talk less….
Believe me when I say I hate to quarrel with my friend that is why when ever such happens momentarily, I loss focus instantly….. How much more having friends. My father once said to me that there are three sets of people you must never quarrel or be in enemity with.
(1) Your bossom friend
(2) Your Wife or husband
(3) That your neighbor
In curiosity, I asked why? and he said because these are people you will almost come across anywhere, everywhere you go and seeing them will take something out of you… I have experienced it and it is true no matter how unaffected we may claim we’re are it do happen.
God bless and help us all
As friends I believe we should know how to treat our anger and reconcile. Just as you said, people go about this in different ways. If I’m angry and i really do not want to have anything conversation or form of communication a friend should be able to detect that. I’m just like Ugochukwu, I’d rather stay away for a while because seeing that person will only refuel my anger.
Taking time in a relationship is good, but what matters is understanding so that, even when there is dispute, they can still come back peacefully!
Taking a time out in a relationship is the best instead of sticking there exchanging words or frowning face take a break for a while and when you come back the relationship will be stronger.taking a break doesn’t mean you should not talk to him at all.
Indeed an educative and guide in keeping a healthy relationship with people. Taking time-out in a relationship is not bad. We should always give our friends listening ears, forgive when people trespass against us and we should always say “sorry” whenever we offend people.
Really educating ma. When our nails grow, we cut the nails not our fingers, likewise in relationships,when we have misunderstanding we cut our ego and anger, not the relationship itself.
Personally I feel taking a time out in your relationship is OK, especially when tempers are hot. When someone annoys me, I cannot even bear to be in the same room with them. After a while though, when I’m calmer, I realize I’m being ridiculous and look for ways to reconcile. Thing is, if I don’t get that time out, I might end up damaging the relationship entirely.
Really nice piece, ma. God bless you.
Real friends always tend to reconcile unlike the fair weather ones who claim what they are not. Real friends know each other well and surely know the patterns that works for them and a true relationship will surely have squabbles it is just up to the players to know how to reconcile amicably.
Even when I am in good terms with my friends, I take time outs. I like to be in my own space some times to think things through. I enjoy my own company sometimes and wouldn’t want anyone interfering. It doesn’t mean I am a bad friend, It just proves that I am human and I need rest from random chattering and friendliness. When a friend is in a bad place (situation), give them space and don’t just force them to open up to, they will when they are ready!!
Sometimes relationships can be quite hard. I am the kind of person that prefers to talk about an issue with the person and when they take time-outs I totally misunderstand and get paranoid. Thank you because this piece has taught me how to handle relationship issues better.
I agree with you. Taking timeouts is sometimes good, but shouldn’t last for two long,To avoid further damage.
Beautiful message there ma.
Taking time-outs in your friendship does not make you a bad person. Sometimes, it is good to be alone and focus on yourself so you do not loose sight of your goal because it can be very easy to just keep going along with your friends and loose sight of your individuality. Whether in cases of a quarrel or not, time outs are necessary.
Taking time outs doesn’t make you a bad friend. As a matter of fact, I think this should be a requirement in every relationship because this gives you as a person, time to re-evaluate past events and be a better person as well in the relationship.
At first, when I read Ugochukwu’s question, I thought I was the one asking and not Ugochukwu, Lol! Taking timeout in a relationship is really a big deal, because sometimes it leads to the end of the relationship and other times, it grows the relationship. For example it works for my best friend and me but does not work for me and some persons because most times, we end up not ever talking to each other and before you know it pride comes in, we start looking out for who would talk to who first. Thank you Ma for such a wonderful post and response
I love your stand on this issue Ma. Indeed, forcing communication after a quarrel would breed more harsh words.
Personally i think letting toxic friendships deteriorate is the best option in certain cases. This is because toxic relationships are really draining and non profiting.
I totally agree to your stand on this issue of taking time-outs when the need arises in our relationship with others. This will go a long way to build our friendship.
When we are angry, we are emotionally unbalanced, giving a break is great.issues are best sorted out with dialogues and not arguments that cause headache. When we continue persisting on issues at that point, we might make hurtful statements and open wounds which will not solve it but rather increase it. But this doesn’t work out for everyone, some people need to face it there and then because when the give breaks, the might think of not talking about it in order for peace to reign. This is worsening somehow because the might be accumulating a lot in their heart. So get to know which works well for you and do it
taking time-out after a quarrel in its moderation is good as it also help to determine where the relationship is heading to, but in all we must always seek God’s face for directions on how to handle our relationships
I think taking time out in a relationship is not advisable and it can destroy the relationship if care is not taking and it can also destroy a relationship if your partner does not understand you motives. I did prefer we settle our scores, admit that what we did is wrong, forgive each other and resume our daily lives.
I do this a whole lot of times. I’m always so scared of transferring aggression to the next person so I just withdraw. But every time I do this I remember that verse that says don’t let the sun go down on your anger. I pray God would help me because sometimes I still go to bed very hurt. I hope I’m not a bad friend sha? After the time-out if I’m wrong I always apologize.. It was an eye opener though.
Taking time out in a relationship can be misunderstood and comprehended wrongly sometimes.after a spat or quarrel one should try to see things from the other perspective, try putting yourself in that person shoes and imagine if you would not do same.even when you take time out try seeking help from experienced people and know their take on it.
There may be need sometimes to reevaluate a relationship, think well and either continue or back out. It also helps the toxic party have a rethink. However I support it shouldn’t be done for good long and always be aimed at making the relationship work better.
Taking time out in a relationship is a wonderful idea, it helps both parties reevaluate their friendship. Where they are heading to and where they shouldn’t cross, it helps in balancing emotions but then it is advised that such time shouldn’t last for too long, so as to avoid making situations worse.
It’s as good as normal for me to take breaks in a relationship. Sometimes we our space apart to get a new thrill and some new idea in our own perspective. I feel like when I have been with someone and seen the person everyday I might get tired of the person or fed up with some attitude I might have tolerated on a good day.
Taking time-outs in a relationship could go two ways, it’s eautger it works out or it doesn’t.
The reason for taking time-outs is very key, are you feeling irritated by the friend’s attitude? Are you both in each other’s faces all the time?
I’m the type of person that needs my space at some point, and my friends have come to understand me and they know when to give me space, we are still friends regardless and we still love each other, in the end that’s all that matters
It’s never a bad idea to take a break in relationships but when the relationship lacks trust it destroys it.
Thank you so much for this write up! I was really doing it the wrong way. I felt that when we back out or go off when our friends annoy us, the strength of the relationship will.reduce slowly until one day we realize we’re no longer friends.
Forcing communication immediately after a quarrel may lead to the speaking of more harsh words because the person may still be boiling from the heat of the moment. The person should be given space and as the bible admonishes , we should not go to bed angry.